Jeanne and Moon Kitty

Yet another depressing journal entry as if I hadn't had enough of them.

A few minutes before the Sun Dragon Clan had it's meeting I decided to close my eyes and rest for a bit in the SDC hall. When I woke up there was Tonoto right beside me breathing on me. To make matters worse he smelled like sweaty Zo so I immediately got up and moved over to a chair and sat down. Tonoto then got up himself and followed me to the chair where he stood and gazed off into the distance. I ran off to the other side of the hall hoping he would take the hint and give me some breathing room. Don't people have any good manners these days? They just sit beside you when there are other places to sit and follow you when you move. Turns out he was trying to give me back the Ore I had from earlier but dropped it on the ground instead of trying to sell it to me. It would have been fine if that was all that had happened but he said down and pondered "what a moron" This in turn caused me to become upset so I returned the favor by giving him bad karma and told him that was uncalled for. He didn't say anything so I gave him another bad karma later and told him that if he wants to insult me he should say it to my face and not in a ponder. Finally he responded and of course, it's all my fault. He told me to take my frustrations elsewhere. Ah yes, my frustrations over having my personal space invaded and being called a moron is something I should take elsewhere. So I did. Besides, Lister was there and I didn't feel like being around him either and I don't think I'll ever be comfortable around him.

Let's see how many other people I can alienate, shall we? Sor's probably on the borderline of giving up on me entirely, Lister has discounted what I say, and I've probably put Tonoto in the same area as Lister. No one ever listens to me, even when I think I have something good to say so maybe they are all like Lister and have me on ignore. No one has ever told me that an idea I had was good and worth doing or complimented me on my fighting skills so perhaps I don't have good ideas or fighting skills worthy of compliments. Now I get called a moron because I was trying to get some breathing room from a Zo who then told me that it was all my frustrations and that I should take them elsewhere. I thought the SDC was a place where I could be comfortable and be myself and not be so tense with making mistakes but maybe I was wrong. Now I'm in the frame of mind where I'm either second-guessing the actions and decisions I do make or not making any actions and decisions for fear of being criticized or berated. At times I feel very alone and wish I had someone to talk to but there's no one so here I am writing my thoughts down in this journal while the rest of my clan is hunting in the Valley. Maybe the SDC isn't the home for me after all.