Jeanne

Zynx from Clan Lord is supposed to have passed away although it seems likely that it didn't really happen. If Zynx turned out to be still alive I would not be surprised as he was always a person who liked controversy and if he wanted to stop clanning then making such a story would be within what I expect of him. Likewise if he wanted to make see the reaction of those on the message board then I would also not be surprised if he did that.

Already, clanners have contacted the funeral home which is supposedly hosting the funeral and have scoured the newspapers and called the police department for any information about the crash but none turned up. I still think it'd odd that Zynx's brother would post on the Clan Lord Sentinel the day of the accident and then decide to come back on an old character who, incidentally, was in the Sun Dragon Clan. It's all a bit strange.

I'll post next about the SDC and what's happening to us.

I read some of my previous entries and a lot has happened in the past year or so.

I'm still 5th circle but I've tried the test a while ago and I think my current plan of increasing my kill rate through getting more Regia, Balthus, and then some more Atkus will help me out a lot. I think having a base of 350 Atkus as opposed to the 300 Atkus I have now will do me well for quite some time. Even though many Bloodbladers have bypassed getting Atkus and just train in the Bloodblade I have no intention of relying on that weapon. I want to be able to use my own fighter skills to kill the majority of what's in the areas I frequent because Bloodblades should be situational weapons. So I'll keep the Bloodblade training at about 100 or so until the subclass gets put in and decide whether I will put more training into it. I want to be a good fighter not yet another Bloodblader who only got into the subclass because she sucks as a fighter.

I also learned the last language I needed to be a linguist by completing my Sylvan language training. I haven't purchased the ledger because it'll just take a backpack slot and it's a rather useless ledger.

Moon Kitty has done very well herself by passing into the 5th circle and is now training in the advanced Sylphstone Ring. Her Respia and Sprite training has helped her become a well-rounded healer and add Horus (300 so far and more will be trained) into the mix and I think she would be welcome anywhere high-level healers are needed. She will always have room for improvement and will always be working to being a better and better healer but I am very happy with how far she's come. Still nowhere near to passing the 6th circle test but still a very good healer.

Sor insisted on giving me a large sum of money so I used part of it to pay Mellion for the tin he sold me which I used to make an Iron Shield. I also used some of it to get the smallest Arbordale tree house which I put the two plants I've kept for quite some time and the mannequin that was a present from Sor. I used the mannequin to keep my SDC outfit so I can quickly change outfits before the SDC meetings. The room is still very empty but there are many things I could decorate it with although I am not going to go on a rampage to make sure it's crowded with stuff. Basically I'm going to use it as a library and a place for the mannequin.

Tomorrow is another Dun'ilsar but I won't be able to make it since I made plans to go elsewhere for learning from the Moon and I'll be away. I hope the Sun Dragon Clan manages to participate and does their best.

When I get back from my trip I hope to have a lot to say about the Moon.

I put up some pictures of when I got the Bloodblade at SWC's journal and you can find the gallery here.

The Sun Dragon Clan has suffered two losses recently.

The first one is Sor, who has left us on a less than positive note. He has been with the clan for as long as it has been around and since we were the second clan to have been founded we've been around for a long time.

I didn't expect him to leave us and I didn't expect Zor, who mysteriously appeared at two seperate clan meetings and who was kicked out both times, to have had such a great effect. While I was confused as to who Zor was and who inducted him and why he claimed to be Sor, I eventually learned that HWC Sor was behind Zor for some unknown reason. I don't know why HWC Sor did that or why he seemed so surprised when Zor wasn't embraced as a long lost brother, especially when Sor was clanning at the same time Zor was. For some reason it seems that Sor, both IC and OOC, feels upset about Zor being kicked out and he's not acting very friendly or understanding towards the rest of us.

I just didn't expect him to leave. He's been such a cornerstone of the Sun Dragon Clan and for me personally. He's always been the one to encourage me to take risks such as taking leadership positions or being more bold in battles and with his help I was able to qualify for the bloodblade. I always waved him off because I don't have any leadership abilities and my battle tactics involve quick strikes instead of standing there and taking damge so I always viewed Sor's urgings to be off-base. Still, he was right in that I should take more risks and develop myself to the furthest extent possible and while I will develop in ways that Sor may not approve I can't remain the same.

It's for Sor's support and guidance that I shall always count him as a mentor and a friend and I shall miss him greatly.

---

The second one is Bonk and he is also leaving on a less than happy note. After starting up a weekly event for people less than third circle and apparently being very happy he expressed anger in his email to the clan. He seems to feel that he isn't wanted and can't contribute as well as being constrained by nonsensical and outdated laws.

I always viewed Bonk as a valuable member of the Sun Dragon Clan because of his enthusiasm and dedication to the clan and to Puddleby. He saw new ways to approach how we've always done things and asked us to find better ways of doing them. I never even knew he was unhappy or angry with us and I think if he told us sooner we would have tried to help him. Is it because he doesn't have as many ranks as the rest of us that he feels useless in hunts? I know I feel the same way because even though I'm in the fifth circle now I'm not a very strong fighter overall.

I will miss Bonk greatly and the Sun Dragon Clan is weaker for having him leave us.

---

Two people have left Puddleby and we were weaker because of it. Not only the members of the Sun Dragon Clan but everyone including myself.

I really messed up this time.

Ootog applied to the Catenae and because of OOC holidays and commitments and not hearing anything from him I forgot all about his application for about three months when I sent him an email. I was hoping he'd be forgiving of my oversight and I could have him inducted in a few weeks because from what I had seen he had the mentality and skill to be an excellent chainer.

Unfortunately, this was not the case. Ootog was very upset with me personally and the Catenae as a whole. I admitted to being at fault and said that being angry towards the Catenae's standards and how we induct people was wrong because we have successfully inducted people using our methods before with no problems. I said that I'd do my best to make sure it wouldn't happen again and that this was the first time I had been so lax in my duties and that I was very sorry. He said we were dead as a guild and I told him that we're an affiliation and we never really had any affiliation hunts or other activities and that being a member just shows that we have certain skills and standards as chainers. He responded that we don't have any standards and that only Lorikeet and I seemed to be active members.

This could very well be true because when Lorikeet asked how to remove people from the affiliation I thought she was going to try to get me kicked out since she didn't like my responses to Ootog. I tried to be diplomatic but firm and it seemed I failed at both since Lorikeet wasn't try to kick me out but find a way as to how to quit herself. Soon after she left both the mailing list and the affiliation.

---

High Benevolence of the Sun Dragon Clan. That was my position until we got rid of kinships a while back. I can't help but think what a failure I probably was and would still be if I had that position. Certainly more than one person brought this to my attention. Maybe if I was better at diplomacy Ootog wouldn't have been so angry at the Catenae and myself and Lorikeet wouldn't have left. If I was more aware of the social community I wouldn't have been so selfish and put my Catenae duties to the side and done what I wanted to do instead.

Time... I've always had trouble with days and weeks and months passing to my surprise and not doing everything I wanted to or needed to. I let my life slip through my fingers and as a result I sometimes fail to complete the promises I make to other people even though I really intend to do what I say. A person's word is the most important thing a person can have and a strong connection to other people. If my word means nothing then not only can other people believe what I say but I won't believe what I say.

I know I have gone a long way in my time management and I'm a lot better than I used to be but I can't rest in becoming better and more understanding of what I can and can't do so I don't stretch myself too thin. I have to be less selfish and do what must be done and should be done before goofing off and wasting time. I have to always strive to improve my relations with others so that I can speak better and convey what I want so that there will be no confusion or anger.

I must not let time slip through my fingers and harsh words spoken when they are unnecessary.

I have said this before and I improve for a couple of months only to slip back into my old habits. This time I must truly not let this happen.

I'd write more but I must get back to my fighting lessons.

After passing the 5th-circle fighter's test my thoughts turned to the Bloodblade and finally qualifying for it. I figured I would work on it as I continued my training with Histia and hopefully by the time I finished with that I'd be able to work on training with the Bloodblade.

Once again Sor came to the rescue and insisted on working with me to get the Bloodblade. I had a feeling he was more irritated with my lack of progress than I was and since repeatedly killing Rockodiles on the beach is so dull I eagerly looked forward to the company.

The first part of the hunt was routine and I could tell Sor was getting bored. It wasn't me being telepathic but him telling me that I didn't need him. So I suggested we head up to the Northwest Forest because there are beaches there for me to get red and good coin. He didn't seem too impressed about the possibility of money (I think he's saved up a lot of money) but went with me anyway. After some time there I suggested we go up to the Feral Coast and then to the lake since I figured the rockodile spawn rates up there were higher than the western beaches close to town. This wasn't really the case but other interesting things happened.

Sor and I talked about the philosophy behind the Bloodblade and how you have to walk the thin line between life and death. Thus, how do you qualify for such a weapon? How close to death do you have to get to truly walk the Bloodblade path? How crazy do you have to be to want to use the Bloodblade?

After some time by the lake I suggested we go to the Pods which Sor eagerly agreed to so off we went. There aren't a lot of fur here but lots and lots of Chameleopods which I figured would be just the ticket. I fell many times while I was here and even to vermine a couple of times which rather embarrased me for a while until I got over that and just focused on killing as much as I could. Sor certainly had his work cut out for him as he worked on raising me while ensuring he didn't fall as well. A few times he had to run out for safety and then return when it was a bit safer to raise me so we could continue.

I managed to get four messages before Sor had to leave. He did tell me that I was close so that I should definitely qualify the next time. He was more right than he knew.

---

A few days later we venture forth and I get down to low health and start whacking as Sor and I discuss more about the philosophy of the Bloodblade when something miraculous happens.

I reached a breakthrough! At first Sor didn't believe that I reached a breakthrough in the Bloodblade and wanted to borrow one to see if I could learn from it but I told him it had to be since I already qualified for the two other blades. I got my dagger and Moonstone from storage and Sor gathered some folks for the trip to the Bloodblade Cave.

We got down there quickly and worked on clearing the Undine from the cave where Nacerus lives. There were dozens of all kinds and it seemed as if they would never end when we at last defeated them all and I could speak to Nacerus face-to-face.

He took my Moonstone and as its power was siphoned into the dagger the Moonstone turned red and crumbled and the dagger twisted. At this time I felt a twinge of doubt at the Moonstone being destroyed but then I realized that the power from the Moonstone was being drawn into the dagger. Once that power was removed the Moonstone would just be a regular rock and thus would have nothing holding it together. The dagger shifting shape was the result of the Moon's power affecting the dagger so that it would have the shape it desired. Sor didn't like this process very much and I can understand why.

We fought our way out of the cave and I started training with the Bloodblade, interrupting my Histia training for the second time. It will be quite some time before I have trained in it enough to be of any real use but that's alright as my regular Atkus and Darkus will be good enough for the areas I travel in regularly. Besides, I need to improve my balance before working on anything else. I'm thinking of Regia specifically since I hate waiting for my balance to recover before being able to hit again.

---

Ah, I also revamped the colors of this journal to reflect my new outlook on life.

That is me in a red fifth circle fighter's belt because I passed the test! (^_^)

For all of the problems I've had with the test and all the times I wasn't able to hit the Banshee or died in a few hits by the Blood Wyrm or couldn't face the Lava Beetle by itself because that Blood Wyrm would always get in the way this test was close to perfection.

I was able to fight the Banshee by herself and kill her in eight hits including one miss. I faced her first because she has a high Troilus, is fast, hard to trap, and does a lot of damage. She's the one I had the most trouble with initially. Just as I killed her the Lava Beetle and Blood Wyrm came so I headed to the northern barrier to trap the Blood Wyrm.

Killing the Lava Beetle didn't take a lot of time even though I missed more than I would have liked. I don't know whether it's a lack of Atkus or because it managed to move just as I hit it. The Lava Beetle behaves much as a Feral and moves around in circles so you have to learn how it behaves so you can recover your balance and hit it when it suits you. Looking at the visionstone I'm glad Lava Beetles don't have a lot of Troilus because I spent a lot of time trapping the Blood Wyrm so the Lava Bettle not recovering a lot of health was a huge help. When it died I was at about 80% health which turned out to be just enough as I faced the Blood Wyrm.

Killing him was a snap and I think I've been able to solo a Blood Wyrm for quite some time. My tactic of hit and run was used since I'm unable to brick Blood Wyrms, at least I don't think I can. I did get hit, enough to get down to about 33% of my health at the end of the test, but the Blood Wyrm's health dropped even faster and for that I thank my Darkus (300 ranks). I hit him consistently and I think the danger it poses is speed and high damage and probably the high amount of Atkus needed to hit him.

After this monumentous event Sor wanted to go back to the Foothills to kill some Midnight Wendeckas for money. I've been coin hunting so had about 600c of the 2500c for the belt. Sor did the recruiting and around we went through the valleys of the Foothills. Relkin had a shovel and did the digging and the Zo fighters did the falling so that twice we had to return them to town to get healing.

Sor ended up giving me 700c or more to get the belt and while I tried to refuse he's as stubborn as I am and I figured making a big deal out of turning him down would make him angry so I took the money and thanked him as much as I could without annoying him. I was able to purchase the belt and use the Lilaberry I've held for many months to bleach the blue shirt which was already bleached with a Lilaberry to make the shirt in the above picture. The pants are the Puma Pelt pants I got on Gungla Island in a lucky roll of the dice. Sor later said I look scary, but I really like the look. The only question I have is whether I should get red shoes to match the belt.

I know I'm not any stronger than when I took the test the last time but I feel as though the belt shows everyone the strength I've had for some time. The tactics I used in the test showed me that it wasn't a matter of ranks that caused me to fail all those times before but simply a matter of incorrect tactics. I had to get smarter before passing and I think I did, even if it was just a little bit.

I have another entry to write but I must be going for now.

Today I participated in a trip to Giayl's book so I could get the third chapter. Well, followed along and watched everyone else kill everything is more of an accurate description since I really didn't do anything at all.

The portal to the Foothills made the trip faster but not by much since it seemed to take forever to get started. We made it to the well to the Pitch Cave in about an hour and then the tough part started. Those in the know talked about what they were going to do and, like all of the other Pitch Cave trips I've been on, some people went in to either plant Kudzu or kill stuff and fell and then others went in to chain the first people out. Near the end Michael asked those of us who wanted to get to the book to stand south of him so I did. Then something happened OOC and I had to look away from the computer for about a minute. Naturally it was that minute when Michael told everyone to run to the book so of course I missed the call and so I missed running to the book. Not that I had an extremely high chance of making it to the book since there was a Pitch Noid in the inner chamber of the library where Giayl's book is located. It was possible since Kaitlyn made it both to the book and back but only three people in total made it to study from the book out of everyone who wanted to. Those remaining tried to get home through the EP and the plan was Michael was going to open the portal on the EP. I was actually able to run quite a bit in the EP before falling but since Michael didn't yell I didn't know where he was so I had no idea where the portal was. In the end we all departed since the snell was really packed and a rescue was impossible especially since we had no idea where we were.

All of this put me in a bad mood but since I had a feeling it would turn out this way I wasn't really all that upset. I don't even know why I bothered going. I knew from what happened in the first 30 minutes that the whole outing would turn out bad yet I went anyway because I wanted to spend the time around Michael and Manx even though they wouldn't give me the time of day even if I asked politely. I wasn't really certain I was correct in my assumption and I'd hate to leave only to learn later that the trip was a success.

I wish I could have made it to the book so I will never have to make this horrible trip ever again. I think Kiriel goes here fairly often. Maybe if I ask her she'll let me come along just to get to the book and then I will depart to not be a burden on them because I really can't hit anything down there. I hate being dead weight and down there I can be nothing but a useless burden and unlike what a certain Dwarf says, having faith in oneself and thinking happy positive thoughts can't make up for one's deficits in fighting skills, tactical knowledge, or overall abilities.

P.S. I'm going to have a much better post later today. I just wanted to write this to get it off my mind so I can focus on other things today. I'm feeling a lot less pissed off after writing this. (^_^)

I finally managed to get my Regia up to 300 but unfortunately it seems that I'm just a tad under two swings, especially with the shield. This means I'll need to go back to Balthus and/or Regia sooner rather than later to correct this. Now I'm studying with Detha in the hopes of finally passing the 5th circle test.

Everytime I take it, I seem to be getting worse at it. The last time I got cornered by all three critters and whiffed the Wraith about 50% of the time while it hit me 100% of the time. The best way to fight the Wraith is to keep it in one corner and hit it just after it swings. This way you can counter its Troilus and keep from running into either the Blood Wyrm or the Lava Beetle which are fast and hard to shake. Unfortunately, I can't brick the Wraith which means I probably don't have a chance at passing the test until I get more Detha. If that doesn't work I'll have to wait until I increase my Histia after I get to the 300 mark with Detha which means I won't be passing for quite some time. On the other hand I am able to hit the Wraith better using the Great Sword but my goal is to pass the test with the same weapon I use on a regular basis to give the test more validity so I've been not switching weapons. Then again, a true warrior would use the best tool for the job. I will have to think more on this.

Kiriel told me that I'm welcome back to CoNGA but I'm uncertain. Even though I'd love to adventure with Kiriel and Michael and Crunch and Manx, I don't bring anything to the group. I don't have the overall strength of Kiriel, the defense and battle tactics Michael has, the raw power of Crunch, and the amazing healing ability of Manx. I am too cautious and while I don't have any obvious weaknesses I also don't have any obvious strengths. I'm also awkward around people. I would be a liability and no matter how much I want to join them it just wouldn't work out.

I think envy is my biggest weakness. I read stories of other people's adventures and I wonder why I can't experience them. Adventures such as the recent invasion of the rebels from Tenebrion's Island and the group going to the Pitch Cavern or those who have explored the new areas on Kizmia's Island. I don't have any anger or hatred towards the people who are on those adventures because they worked hard at being able to experience them. I just wish I could experience them too and knowing I can't is depressing at times. It seems that no matter how strong I become either physically or mentally or spritually or emotionally it's never good enough.

Drablak left a comment that he quite clearly state that his wedding was going to include an FMOCR and looking at the Koppi messages and the email he sent to the SDC list and all of the advertising, the only thing I have to say is I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for accusing you of not making the true nature of your wedding known. I'm sorry for not putting aside my own selfish desires to attend your wedding I'm sorry for leaving early when I said I would come.

My saying this doesn't make up for what I did but I am truly regretful for what I did.

I made sure to leave the library in time for Drablak's wedding deciding that I could bring along some food to eat during the ceremony. If I sat in the back then no one would hear me or see me eat. I made my way to Meadow where it was to be held but when I heard Shakyamuni report that it was a FMOCR I was a little concerned. I couldn't eat and fight at the same time and besides, I've been on two FMOCRs and it's just like any other raid with a lot of people. In other words I don't like participating in them at all. I asked Drablak if there was going to be a wedding ceremony and he said yes so I waited for everyone else to come. I looked for a comfortable place to sit where I could still see the wedding while being far enough away to eat in comfort.

Then Connie Crete told everyone to go to Orga Camp 1. This wasn't a wedding it was a FMOCR! I told Shakyamuni and Drablak I'd come to their wedding but I made no such promise about going to a FMOCR. So I left so I could eat in the library in peace and quiet. Drablak asked me why I left and I told him this. Well, he didn't say anything in return, so I guess he realized I was right about it being a FMOCR and not a wedding. That or he didn't feel like telling me I was wrong so either way my absence wasn't a big deal to him.

I don't like romance or weddings and the only reason I went was because Drablak was there so I would have appreciated more honest reporting of what the event was actually going to be so I could have planned better and eaten earlier. Sorry Drablak but me going hungry for an hour or two is something I'm not willing to do. If you think I'm moody now just watch it when I am hungry!

Let's see... a few days ago I was able to turn my Puma Pelt into pants so I may sell or trade my Albino Maha pants for something of equal worth such as a Purgatory Pendant or enough money to buy one. Or I may give it to Moon Kitty since she has given away most of her clothes and will soon be settling on just one outfit so she can carry more of my things. I used to keep them in the storage but since that costs money and I've not been very good at getting a steady income I don't really have enough to store everything I own.

Speaking of storage, I threw away my three trophies I earned because they were just taking up space. Before I did that I made a sketch so that I'd always remember them.



On the same trip I also tried to turn my Sturdy Limb into a crossbow but I need more money than I have so I'll need to save up for that as well. I think even after I get the crossbow I'll need to get the bolts which I think require a seta scale which you can only find from one of the pigs that live on the island. Since they are rare and the seta scale is even rarer getting ammunition will not be an easy task. In fact, I don't know of anyone who has either a working bow or crossbow. Even if it is not something that's useful, I just want a crossbow because it's something I used to use on the mainland and I believe I was quite good at its use so I look forward to having another one to hone my skills.

---

I don't like to toot my own horn but when the Sun Dragon Clan first investigated Colmert's Castle we found a cat with no name. Actually it was named "Unnamed NPC" which is a horrible name for a cat. I decided that it should be named Sunny and when the cat turned up in town center I told this to everyone and asked people to be nice to it. A few days ago, Lokar sent me this amazing news in my mailbox.



I'm very happy Sunny has a name and when I am able to go to Colmert's Castle again I'll be sure to take a picture of Sunny for everyone to see.

---

I won 3rd place in Winds of Dawn's Visionstone contest and so will receive a shield. I haven't used a shield in many years so I wonder if its benefits will be of use to me. In any event, it can't hurt to try it out for a while and I'm grateful that my entry was received so well by the judges.

---

The last time I took the 5th-circle fighters test I did very well with my only downfall in getting by the Fire Beetle one too many times. Perhaps the extra Detha the shield gives me will be what enables me to pass the test. In any event, I killed both the Fire Beetle and the Wraith with little problems and I got the Blood Wyrm to yellow. You can see the visionstone here and I hope I'll do as well or better the next time I can take the test.

My training is going well and I have gotten my second swing back through my training with both Balthus and Regia. Right now I'm working with Respia so her message changes and the effects of her training have been impressive although it takes a while to appreciate the boost to one's balance recovery. If I ever wanted to get a ledger in anything, Regia would probably be it although I hear that she wants nearly 700 lessons before she'll hand out a ledger so that won't happen in my lifetime and by the time I get to 700 lessons the requirement will probably be 1000. Basically, I don't think I'll ever get any ledger in anything aside from languages and I'm not going to buy that one when I qualify for it. Why waste a backpack space?

---

Well, at least this journal entry isn't depressing or self-effacing or moaning so I'll end it on a happy note. (^_^)

Yet another depressing journal entry as if I hadn't had enough of them.

A few minutes before the Sun Dragon Clan had it's meeting I decided to close my eyes and rest for a bit in the SDC hall. When I woke up there was Tonoto right beside me breathing on me. To make matters worse he smelled like sweaty Zo so I immediately got up and moved over to a chair and sat down. Tonoto then got up himself and followed me to the chair where he stood and gazed off into the distance. I ran off to the other side of the hall hoping he would take the hint and give me some breathing room. Don't people have any good manners these days? They just sit beside you when there are other places to sit and follow you when you move. Turns out he was trying to give me back the Ore I had from earlier but dropped it on the ground instead of trying to sell it to me. It would have been fine if that was all that had happened but he said down and pondered "what a moron" This in turn caused me to become upset so I returned the favor by giving him bad karma and told him that was uncalled for. He didn't say anything so I gave him another bad karma later and told him that if he wants to insult me he should say it to my face and not in a ponder. Finally he responded and of course, it's all my fault. He told me to take my frustrations elsewhere. Ah yes, my frustrations over having my personal space invaded and being called a moron is something I should take elsewhere. So I did. Besides, Lister was there and I didn't feel like being around him either and I don't think I'll ever be comfortable around him.

Let's see how many other people I can alienate, shall we? Sor's probably on the borderline of giving up on me entirely, Lister has discounted what I say, and I've probably put Tonoto in the same area as Lister. No one ever listens to me, even when I think I have something good to say so maybe they are all like Lister and have me on ignore. No one has ever told me that an idea I had was good and worth doing or complimented me on my fighting skills so perhaps I don't have good ideas or fighting skills worthy of compliments. Now I get called a moron because I was trying to get some breathing room from a Zo who then told me that it was all my frustrations and that I should take them elsewhere. I thought the SDC was a place where I could be comfortable and be myself and not be so tense with making mistakes but maybe I was wrong. Now I'm in the frame of mind where I'm either second-guessing the actions and decisions I do make or not making any actions and decisions for fear of being criticized or berated. At times I feel very alone and wish I had someone to talk to but there's no one so here I am writing my thoughts down in this journal while the rest of my clan is hunting in the Valley. Maybe the SDC isn't the home for me after all.

A few days ago my trainers once again bestowed their blessings on me. At least they are happy with how I'm doing! (^_^)

Darkus told me that teaching me has taught him much so now I can finally get to working on my balance which I did by moving to Balthus's training and after that I'll be working with Regia. It'll take a month or two to get back my second swing so it'll still be a bit uncomfortable until then but at least now I'm on the path back to normalicy.

Evus told me that it is always good to greet a respected colleague which was a bit shocking. I haven't trained with him in ages yet he has paid enough attention to me to say that my fighting skills are worthy of his respect.

I think the effects of the Atkus and Darkus training won't be as powerful until I get the second swing back. It was my decision to make each swing worth something before getting more swings and I am not unhappy with the decision. As I said earlier, whiffing with two swings in the Valley or on Melabrion's Island or on Kizmia's Island or practically anywhere aside from the forests and bear caves was causing me to seriously hate the fighting profession. Not having enough defensive capability to brick or enough offensive capability to do damage or being an expert in a specialty weapon was why I was so unhappy since I didn't have a role. Now at least I can hit even if it isn't as often as I'd like to.

Alas, I'm going to need that second swing to make any progress on the 5th circle fighter's test since that Wraith just pounds me into the floor since I am having horrible luck in hitting it. I should be able to with 300 Atkus but the last time I tried I missed every single time.

---

I was appointed as banker in the Sun Dragon Clan. Unfortunately, I won't be able to deposit much if at all until after the Newbielympics event I'm hosting which will take money for the prizes and I'd like to build up a nest egg for when expenses come due.

Grocha was made a member of the Sun Dragon Clan which is great. He's not much of a fighter but makes up for it with good spirit and excellent tailor, skinning, and mandible pulling abilities. I think he'll make the Sun Dragon proud.

I don't think I mentioned this but Sor gave me a cure for that horrible Lyfelidae disease a few weeks ago so I'm back to my normal furry self. He got cured himself a few days later.

---

It's pretty late so I'll go to bed now. Bye!

I was hunting in the New Bear Caves so I could pay my expenses with Daithmoth sent me a thinkto and asked if I could open the path to the Valley. I told him that I could but that other people certainly could as well. He told me that he wanted to see me in action so I agreed to head down. I haven't been with a group outside of the SDC so I thought it would be interesting to meet new people. It was a small team consisting just of Daimoth, Raen, Megami, Degu, and myself. We entered and it was pretty clear. There were some Valley Panthers and Young Sasquatches but pretty clear overall.

I knew I shouldn't have gone when Raen needed to use his bloodblade to hit the Valley Panther and naturally he fell because he couldn't brick it. Bloodblading should only be used in rare circumstances and needing the Atkus because you can't hit Valley Panthers in the Valley is pathetic. Valley Panthers are common in the Valley and they hit hard and they swing often so being on red there without the ability to brick anything is a recipe for disaster. I have only been recently able to hit them after raising my Atkus to 300 and I am unable to brick them reliably as of yet so I was relying on Megami as the person I dumped them on when I ran out of balance and couldn't swing. Seriously, not having enough Atkus for the majority of beasts in an area and needing to rely on the Bloodblade is stupid and foolish. Well, it turns out that Daimoth and Raen and Megami like to live dangerously.

In the second snell both Daimoth and Raen fell because they were bloodblading Valley Panthers so I chained them both and went to the previous safe cave where this little interchange took place.

Daimoth ponders, "A fine line between unnecessary risk and over-cautious."
(Daimoth bows his head at Jeanne.)
Jeanne asks, "You're saying I'm being unnecesarily cautious?"
Daimoth thinks to you, "My thanks, sister. I do admire your tactics."
Daimoth says, "No."
Megami exclaims, "I dunno if he was say'in that, but I was 'bout to!"
Daimoth says, "Just, cautious."
Jeanne says, "Ah yes, I'm cautious because I don't take unnecessary risks."
Megami ponders, "Damn cowards."
You think to Degu, Megami, Raen and Daimoth, "I'll only be going one pass if you find my tactics so distasteful."
Daimoth says, "Don't be sensitive. Megami's just an angry copper-whore"

I'm sick and tired of being insulted and called a bad fighter because I try to not do stupid things to get the party killed or because I would rather retreat to heal up then continue to fight on red or because I think going out on solo chain runs is usually stupid. Oh yes, people always remember the person who risked big and managed to come out on top and give them accolades but the person who suggested caution and to not run ahead into unknown territory is insulted and derided.

So I said "I'm leaving now. I trust you have an idea of what my fighting tactics are now Daimoth and since I am unwilling to take unnecessary risks I'm sure you find me wanting." I left the exit cave which was also pretty empty and Daimoth told me that he couldn't see why I was mad at him for something so innocent to which I replied "Ah yes, innocent, be sure to keep that in mind when someone berates you when you chain the only remaining fighters to a safe location so the team doesn't fall." I then gave him bad karma and logged off.

I don't like just leaving a group like that and I don't like giving bad karma but this started with Sor and it continues to this day of me suggesting that people stick together and coordinate and communicate and not do rash things and I get ignored or told that it's good to take risks and that I'm being too cautious. Sure, sometimes it works out for the best but often it doesn't and if the group was just a bit more cautious and thinking about what they are doing then everything would have turned out for the better. They'd rather have the thrill of living on the edge then deciding the best way to go about achieving a goal. They'd rather have a healer run out to chain a whole bunch of fallens then to go out as a group and get the fallens together.

This is why I'll never lead any group to any location for any reason. This incident is just the straw that broke the camel's back. Firstly, people wouldn't listen to me because for the above reasons and because I try to be realistic about what I can and can't do unlike other fighters who act as if they can brick everything and tag everything. Plus, I'm sure that me leaving like that even though I gave warning and the bad karma I gave to Daimoth doesn't do much to raise me in the esteem of other people, not that I regret either leaving or the bad karma. Gah, it's just at times like this I wonder why I bother leaving the library aside from earning money to pay for library fees and other expenses. It seems I'm incompatible with everyone else in the entire Lok'Groton island chain and I'm tired of trying to justify my point of view. The more I try the more I seem to be misunderstood and the more I alienate people and the more stressed I get. Lister himself told me he doesn't pay any attention to me because he says I only criticize as if suggesting that people stick together is criticizing. How many other people are doing the same thing but won't tell me? If people want to do stupid stuff I'm not going to try and stop them or give them advice and I am certainly not going to get involved. Kahlon himself tried to get the SDC to communicate at the last meeting and what did it get him? Everyone still fell and no one decided on a plan before doing whatever they wanted and Kahlon got stressed out because no one was listening to him. Whatever, screw it, I'm going to be the one watching people run around like chickens with their heads cut off and if things go from bad to worse I'm going to be the one heading back to town. If people are going to deride my cautiousness then I'll be thinking for myself first.

I just read on Thoomcare that the gem was placed back in the statue in Groar's Cave. Naturally, I wasn't involved because I didn't know it was taking place because I was taking a nap at the time. Evidentally, one must be clanning every single minute of the day to have even a slim chance at participating in anything beyond the very boring hunting for coins that I do day in and day out just to have enough money to keep my skin dyed and my library fees paid for. I just hope I can get cured so I can put this entire incident behind me and forget about ever participating in anything again. How fun it must be for Yor and Talin and Lister and Nightbird and all the others that got to participate. They weren't taking a nap so they got to be involved in helping all of Puddleby and in doing something different and exciting. I admit to sometimes wanting what they have but then it seems I've always flittered on the edges of society, walking among people but never really with them.

I know that these last three entries have been complaining and I'd much rather have written nothing about the Rowl incident or about how I helped but that's not how it turned out for me. I'm just unhappy about the entire event and I have nothing to show for it aside from fleas.

P.S. I do have to say that whomever created that statue was a real artist. The cracks are so natural I don't know whether they were put there on purpose or occured as the statue aged. The large blue eyes and the malformed arms and all of the other details capture the essence of a Lyfelidae with perfect clarity. Truely, the artist was a genius in his craft.

This is going to be a short entry on the insignificant part I played in defeating Rowl and in getting the gem back. I have some pictures and visionstones but they aren't important right now.

I went to Kizmia's Island, took off my Catsbane Necklace because I was told to which I shouldn't have done because I got Lyfed, and helped in heading towards the north of the island. Each snell was packed with Lyfes and it took several retreats and fortifications with Zu to progress. We made it all the way up to the Sylvan Fighter snell and started dropping into trees. I was a bit worried whether the west side would make it without all falling since the spawns were so huge but they made it down okay. Once again we had to battle through every snell since the spawns were so great. I've never seen so many Cold Lyfelidae in my life. We then made it before the cave to the Lyfe village but I said that we sensed Rowl in the highest part of Kizmia's Island so shouldn't we go to the lake first? So we headed that way, facing more hordes of Lyfelidae and then made it to the lake. All was well at the lake when Rowl summoned dozens and dozens of Cold Lyfelidaes which surrounded us. A few of us managed to run back to the Kudzu fortress we made earlier but it wasn't secure and soon all of us fell except for Sor.

At this point, SWC wanted to step outside so I figured that I'd do that and return later. Well, I got taken to Growl's former sleeping cave just in time to hear that Rowl had been killed and the gem picked up by Lister of all people. I guess the rescue took a lot less time to get to us then I figured so even if I hadn't been taken to the underground cave I wouldn't have been able to catch up anyway. Besides, SnowLion killed Rowl in THREE hits so I wouldn't have been able to even attempt to hit him. To make matters worse I got to depart because everyone left to go to the library (gee, that was really swell of you all to just leave us like that) and I'm still Lyfed.

I know that I shouldn't have napped, but since it took all of us about 6 OOC hours to get to that point, I thought that SWC could do some badly needed chores and come back in about 1.5 OOC hours and not have missed anything. It was a calculated risk but I figured it was not a big one. I didn't know that the whole event would have been over in such a relatively short period of time.

I don't even know why I bothered. I should have listened to my initial thoughts, realized I would have nothing to contribute, and stayed in the comfort of the library. I think I only went because I didn't want Sor to think less of me but next time I'll think about myself first. I also shouldn't have listened to the people who told me to take my necklace off. The risk of getting Lyfed while falling was much greater than Rowl Lyfing us and once again I should have listened to what I thought was right. Considering I didn't even get to see Rowl, I doubt he would have had the chance to Lyfe me. I just figured they were the experts who knew stuff I didn't.

The overall conclusion is that I should do what I think is right, while still taking input from other people and listening to their opinions and being ready to change my course of action, but to have the confidence to disagree with them. After all, the person who is in charge of my own fate is me and I can't blame anyone else for what happens.

Today, the SDC is going to hunt on Kizmia's Island to find Rowl and the gem he took from the Lyfelidae statue after Growl left his normal sleeping area and moved to the hut on the north side of the island where that Thoom makes the boats.

I wasn't going to leave the library but Cinnamon reminded me that Shiner has my pelt so I went to get it. On the way, Lister sunstoned me about last week's clan meeting when we went to Gungla's Island to explore. We had Nyla as a guest who got lost on the way and left when Lister told her that we had no time to wait for her since she was too slow. In my hunt report I mentioned this incident and said that it was against the spirit of the Sun Dragon Clan and that this shouldn't happen again. Supposedly Lister and Nyla are involved in a relationship OOC and perhaps IC as well, not that it excuses his behavior. So, this is the conversation between Lister and myself with all of the other sunstones and happenings removed.

Lister thinks to you, "obviously Nyla is tainted"

You think to Lister, "What do you mean?"

Lister thinks to you, "you exaggerated the situation"

You think to Lister, "How is my supposedly exaggerating the solution related to Nyla being tainted?"

Lister thinks to you, "she's in the hut, ready to hunt, again, so obviously last week didn't affect her"

You think to Lister, "Just because she's in the hut doesn't mean she isn't affected by last week. I don't think I exaggerated anything and I stand by what I said. If you have anything further to say you can say it in the forums."

Lister thinks to you, "Well, I don't care much about it either way. Important thing is Nyla and I both care not about what you say"

You think to Lister, "I'll keep that in mind in the future."

---

Then, when I foolishly decided to come back on the KI raid, we had the following interchange.

You think to Lister, "You don't even realize how insulting your last comment to me was, do you."

Lister thinks to you, "of course I do"
Lister thinks to you, "the important thing is Nyla is here, bright eyed and bushy tailed"

You think to Lister, "No, the important thing is that you basically said that you don't care what I say or do. That you don't care that you told someone you supposedly care about to sod off because she was too slow and that because she's here today that makes it somehow okay."

Lister thinks to you, "well yea, that is still true, I don't care about what you do or say about me or us. Have I ever cared though?"

---

I was trying to figure out why I was so upset with what Lister said. I don't really know him all that well and vice-versa but his dismissive attitude towards me and what I did rankled. He didn't even seem to think that he did anything wrong because Nyla showed up on the clan hunt. As if her showing up made his actions the previous zodiac okay or that it made my criticisms of his actions exaggerated. I thought and thought and then decided why I was upset.

You think to Lister, "So, I'm just curious, is it my opinions and actions that you don't care about or is it everyone or a select few? I'm just wondering because after sticking up for someone you supposedly care about, I'm wondering just why exactly I should do that for you in the future. What's the point of being in a clan if you don't care about the opinions of your clan mates?"

Lister thinks to you, "sticking up for me in the future?"

You think to Lister, "To answer your earlier question, the SDC is supposed to support each other yet you have just dismissed whatever I have to say entirely. Why should I support you or criticize you if you don't think my opinions are worth anything? So, is it just me you have contempt for?"

Lister thinks to you, "you've only ever criticized, so i stopped paying attention"

You think to Lister, "Uhm, I do a lot more and say a lot more than just criticisms. Do you not listen to Sor because he criticizes? Do you always tune out people who say things you aren't interested in?"

---

So Lister just stopped paying attention to me because he thinks I criticize too much. He didn't bother telling me about his concerns with how I act or opinions of how I should change. He just stopped paying attention to me without letting me know. I am disgusted at his behavior and a clan mate who has such a lack of respect or consideration for me is a clan mate I will have nothing to do with.

Some things on hunts really irritate me and put me in a bad mood and since no one else ever seems to notice or get bothered I am the only one who is upset. I try to ask for a change but it's not so easy when no one sees that there could be a better way or don't think they did anything wrong in the first place. I don't want to point this out on the hunt because the focus needs to be on the hunt and I don't want to have another pointless discussion where nothing changes in the end because clearly nothing will change no matter how many times I say the same things over and over again.

---

Here we are hitting something and then something new comes along and while the first something is yellow everyone leaves to hit the second something while I don't because I like killing one before moving on to the other. The first something hits me because I AM NOT A BRICK and I fall. I say "Hey, why did you do something so stupid?" and I get the answer of no one was hitting the first thing which is interesting because if no one was hitting it why was it yellow? I understand this "tagging everything on the screen" mentality is so that you don't miss out on tags but if everyone hits the first something and then moves on to the second something then no one will miss out on tags. I hope you understand why this behavior would put me in a bad mood.

Furthermore, if you see a person (me) waiting to pull someone so they can hit could you just not swing for 10 seconds so that person (me) can hit as well? Sure that person (me) could just pull a random person to get the tag but that random person might not have gotten their tag and doing so would be very rude. This only happened a few times today but it's still annoying when it does.

Another thing I've never understood. Something shows up and the fighters rush towards it, which is normal, but the healers do as well. Why is this? Shouldn't healers let the fighters rush in first and then they can approach so they are behind the fighters? Do you know how aggrivating it is to have to run around the healers as they are running towards the thing and then having to pull them out of the way to get a hit in? Plus, even though I AM NOT A BRICK, I can avoid/withstand more blows then healers and I'm pretty sure I can do more damage to the thing than the healers and it's more important that they stay healthy so why would healers let themselves get hit needlessly? I've never understood this behavior.

Also, if you say you're in a rush then why stop to hit everything that moves in the snell before moving on? Just move on to the next snell. It's ok to leave stuff behind if you're in a rush to leave because that's the point of rushing, isn't it? After all, if you have to leave an area or get to an area fast then you shouldn't take the time and hit everything that's in your way even if they are kills/vanquishes and have a lot of coins on them.

Unfortunately my skill at taking the 5th-circle fighter test hasn't improved because the idea of trapping the Banshee and Blood Wyrm isn't working for me. I tried it just now and couldn't even whack the Fire Beetle because I was too busy running from one corner of the room to the other one. Next time I'm going to try attacking the Banshee first by trying to trap the Blood Wyrm and hoping the Fire Beetle stays the heck out of the way. Anyway, these failures didn't stop the trainers from showing their approval at my training.

First it was Atkus who said "Good job, now get that red belt." Pompous bastard.



Then it was Evus who asked me if I was ever going to train directly with him. The answer's no buddy.



Finally Swengus was approving of the extra Balthus I gained through Atkus.



Now I'm training with Darkus so he will have the same message as Atkus and then work with Balthus and Regia to get back to over two swings. So I'll just have one swing for a while but that always happens when I go through my fighter training so it's not surprising.

Having just one swing is not optimal and I will probably complain once or twice at the reduced kill rate. However, I don't regret training with Atkus because I encountered two Tree Giants today and I was able to hit both of them every single time and kill them all by myself. That's never happened before and it was a shock. Now I don't have to run away in fear when I come across them in the East Forest. Being able to hit things makes me feel like a true fighter who is able to be useful in a group instead of the mere whiffer I was before. Especially in places like Melabrion's Island and the Valley because now I can actually hit Valley Panthers, Valley Cougars, and Young Sasquatches. It's as if a whole new world has opened up to me as a fighter.

Oh, and two more of my Fell Blade ranks slipped today so I have 253 Darkus already. If my records are accurate I just have one Fell Blade rank left but I'm going to find a way to give the Fell Blade back to Sor, another SDC member, or to sell it since I don't need it anymore. I'm grateful to Sor for buying the weapon for me in the first place and, if I end up selling it, I'll give Sor the difference between 5k and how much I get from the Fell Blade. I'll have to hunt for a while to get the money but I don't want Sor to take a loss from buying me the Fell Blade. He'll probably say it was a gift but I've always considered it a loan and I want to find a way to repay him, even if I have to earn the entire 5k myself. I think it's the right thing to do and besides, it'll get me out of the library. (^_~)

---

You may have seen on TMN postcards from the SDC and while I'd like to tell tales of our adventures, I don't think it's time for them to be told. I look forward to when I am able to complete with pictures and travails and happy endings and much more. It'll be worth the wait!